13 things women do in secret (but often don’t admit)

We all have a secret life.

It’s not some scandalous, double-agent drama; it’s the quiet, quirky, and sometimes downright weird stuff we do when no one’s watching. And guess what? It’s completely normal. Keeping secrets is a universal human thing, not a character flaw.

In fact, research from psychologist Dr. Michael Slepian found that a staggering 97% of people are keeping a significant secret at any given time, with the average person juggling about 13 of them. It’s a natural part of our development; even kids learn the art of secret-keeping by age five. The real weight of these secrets, psychologists say, isn’t in the act of hiding them but in the mental energy we spend thinking about them.

We mentally rehearse conversations (over and over)

You’ve probably already had five different versions of a conversation with your boss in your head before you’ve even had your morning coffee. This isn’t you being neurotic; it’s a well-documented psychological habit known as rumination, and it’s incredibly common.

Psychologists actually call this a “safety behavior.” It’s our brain’s way of trying to prepare for every possible outcome of a social interaction to reduce anxiety and feel a little more in control. The constant replays are an attempt to script the unscriptable parts of life. Interestingly, a study shows this mental practice can actually make you more fluent and reduce awkward pauses when the real conversation happens, so it’s not all bad.

According to Taylor Newendorp, MA, LCPC, “Replaying past conversations in your mind is very common. Humans are social creatures, and we put a lot of value in social interaction.” He explains that it’s a protective mechanism our brain uses to figure out what we could do better next time.

We keep a “backup” partner on the back burner

It sounds calculating, but having a “Mr. Plan B” is surprisingly common, and it’s less about plotting a breakup and more about psychological self-preservation. This isn’t just a modern dating quirk; it may have deep evolutionary roots.

A survey by One Poll of 1,000 women found that a whopping half admitted to having a backup partner in mind in case their current relationship fails. This behavior is a modern twist on an ancient survival strategy. Evolutionary psychologist David Buss suggests women may be wired to have backup mates to ensure resources and protection, a holdover from prehistoric times when a partner’s sudden death was a very real threat.

We play detective on our ex’s social media

Admit it: you’ve fallen down the rabbit hole of an ex’s Instagram feed, emerging 45 minutes later knowing what their cousin’s new puppy looks like.

According to a 2019 Pew Research study, 53% of social media users have checked up on an ex’s profile. The habit is even more common among younger adults, with 70% of those aged 18 to 29 admitting to it.

Psychologists explain this is more than just idle curiosity; it’s often a search for closure or a way to manage the emotional uncertainty after a breakup. The problem is that social media is a curated highlight reel, not the truth, so it rarely provides us with the answers we’re looking for. Instead, seeing a post can feel like a “jump scare,” triggering an adrenaline rush that creates a vicious cycle of wanting to check for more information. It’s a strange paradox where the thing we do to find peace actually keeps the emotional turmoil going.

We have full-blown, award-winning arguments in the shower

The shower isn’t just for getting clean; it’s a debate stage, a courtroom, and a TED Talk venue where you deliver the most brilliant comebacks you never said in real life. This is another form of rumination, where our minds get stuck replaying scenarios, and it’s a nearly universal experience.

Psychologically, it’s an attempt to process unresolved feelings and regain a sense of control after a real-life conflict left us feeling powerless. In these imaginary arguments, we’re always eloquent, we always have the perfect zinger, and we always win. It’s a mental do-over that temporarily soothes the ego.

We sometimes fake orgasms (and the reasons are complex)

The famous “When Harry Met Sally” scene wasn’t just great comedy; it was a documentary for a lot of women. Faking an orgasm is incredibly common, but the reasons go way beyond just sparing a partner’s feelings.

According to AskMen.com, 26% of women say they fake orgasm every time they have sex.

The most common reason is what researchers call “altruistic deceit”—protecting a partner’s ego or avoiding a difficult conversation. But many other reasons are purely practical: wanting sex to end due to boredom or fatigue, knowing an orgasm just isn’t going to happen, or even trying to heighten their own arousal. In a way, it’s a non-verbal tool used to manage the situation, sending a message like “I’m satisfied” or “This is over now” when words feel too complicated.

We have a secret stash of snacks and eat in private

Somewhere in your home, there’s probably a hidden cache of chocolate, chips, or cookies that is for your eyes only. This isn’t just about being greedy; this behavior is deeply rooted in psychology.

Secret eating is defined as eating with the intent to hide what or how much you’re eating, often driven by a fear of being “caught.” It’s a key symptom of Binge Eating Disorder (BED), and one PubMed Central study found that around 50% of adults with BED reported eating in secret.

The primary drivers are almost always shame and fear of judgment, feelings often amplified by diet culture that labels foods as “good” or “bad.” As shame researcher Brené Brown defines it, shame is “the intensely painful feeling… of believing that we are flawed.” Secret eating is a direct result of that feeling. It’s often a rebellion against feeling controlled or judged, but paradoxically, the secrecy can lead to a loss of control, fueling a destructive binge-restrict cycle.

We compare ourselves to literally everyone on Instagram

You know that feeling when you’re scrolling through Instagram and suddenly your life feels… less than? That’s social comparison theory in action, and for women, it’s a modern-day battlefield.

Psychologist Leon Festinger’s 1954 theory suggests that we have an innate drive to evaluate ourselves in comparison to others. Social media has amplified this instinct to an extreme. A study shows that females are more likely to engage in “upward social comparison”—comparing themselves to people who seem better off—which has a direct negative impact on body image, self-esteem, and mental health.

It’s not just the time we spend online that’s harmful; it’s the specific mental habit of comparison that it fuels. We’re comparing our real, messy lives to someone else’s perfectly curated highlight reel, which can lead to feelings of anxiety and depression, especially in young women.

Our grooming habits are a bit… unconventional

Let’s pull back the curtain on the bathroom door. While the finished product might look polished, the process can involve some… creative problem-solving.

Pubic hair grooming is the norm, with BMC Women’s Health finding that over 80% of women do it regularly. The secret is often in the how. While most women use a razor (61%), a surprising 17.5% admit to using scissors—and yes, that sometimes means the nail scissors from the medicine cabinet.

The motivations reveal that this is less a private act of self-care and more a social performance. While 59% of women cite “hygiene” as the reason, a woman is also “far more likely to groom based on her partner’s preference”. Other top triggers? Preparing for sex, a vacation, or even a trip to the doctor, a UCSF study found that 40% of women groom before a healthcare visit. It seems our grooming habits are often dictated by the perceived gaze of others.

We cry for reasons we can’t even explain

Ever found yourself tearing up during a car insurance commercial and wondering, “What is wrong with me?” Absolutely nothing. You’re just a woman, and your tear ducts are working overtime for very real biological and psychological reasons.

The gender gap in crying is scientifically documented and massive. Women cry an average of 30 to 64 times a year, while men only cry 6 to 17 times. A woman’s crying session also tends to last longer, averaging about six minutes compared to two to four for men.

There’s a biological component—the hormone prolactin, which promotes crying, is higher in women, while testosterone may inhibit it. But it’s also psychological. Crying is a natural release valve for emotional overload and burnout.

We don’t wash our bras (or jeans) nearly as often as you think

That one perfect, comfortable bra? It’s probably seen more consecutive days of action than a Navy SEAL. And no, we don’t feel bad about it. This isn’t a dirty little secret; it’s a common and logical efficiency practice.

Many women admit to wearing their favorite bra “day in, day out, only washing it when it pongs.” And it’s not just bras. Experts suggest that while underwear should be washed after every use, bras can be worn 2-3 times, and jeans, pants, and sweaters can easily go 4-5 wears before needing a wash.

There’s a practical reason for this selective laundering. Over-washing is the primary source of wear and tear on clothes, so re-wearing saves time, energy, money, and your favorite garments.

We have a weirdly intimate relationship with our own smells

Ever stick your fingers somewhere a little gross and then… sniff them? Or smell your earrings after taking them out? It’s a bizarrely compelling habit, and it turns out there’s a scientific reason for it.

You’re not a weirdo for doing this. In one survey, 74% of people admitted to sniffing their fingers after sticking them somewhere gross. This behavior is known as “olfactory self-inspection.”

Our unique body odor carries a huge amount of data about our genetics, diet, and even our emotional state. Our brains are wired to process our own scent differently and faster than others’, suggesting a deep-seated biological need for self-monitoring. So what feels like a mindless, quirky habit is actually a primal form of data collection—a quick status update on our body’s internal state.

We pretend to be super into our partner’s hobbies

Yes, that three-hour documentary on the history of fly-fishing was absolutely fascinating. Feigning interest in a partner’s passions is a time-honored tradition in relationships, and it’s a strategic emotional investment.

Relationship experts agree that you don’t have to share every single interest to have a healthy relationship; what’s important is showing support. Relationship coach Matthew Hussey even came up with the “20% Rule”: you should be willing to genuinely indulge in at least 20% of your partner’s most fervent obsessions.

This act of “faking it” is a non-verbal way of saying, “Your happiness matters to me, and I’m willing to enter your world to support it.” It’s a small sacrifice of personal preference that signals a much larger commitment to the health of the relationship. However, in its most extreme form, it can be a manipulative tactic called “future faking,” where someone feigns deep investment to create a false sense of intimacy.

We have an entire “private self” you’ll never meet

The person you see at work, at parties, or even across the dinner table is just one version of us. We all have a “private self” that thinks, feels, and behaves differently when the audience is gone. This isn’t being “two-faced”; it’s a fundamental part of being human.

Psychologists make a clear distinction between the “public self” (how we act when we know we’re being observed) and the “private self” (our internal world of moods, feelings, and authentic beliefs). Research shows that the mere presence of an audience causes our behavior to conform more to societal expectations.

This is why many of the “secret” behaviors on this list often occur in private spaces, such as the car, the shower, or when we’re home alone. These aren’t just random habits; they are the collective expression of our authentic, uncurated private self, which needs a space free from the pressure of public performance to emerge.

Key Takeaway

• It’s Not Just You: From rehearsing conversations to checking an ex’s Instagram, these “secret” behaviors are incredibly common and backed by psychological and sociological data.
• It’s About Control & Comfort: Many of these habits are subconscious attempts to manage anxiety, seek comfort, and gain a sense of control in a world that often feels unpredictable.
• Your Private World is Normal: The existence of a “private self” with its own quirky, un-Instagrammable habits isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s a fundamental, healthy, and universal part of being human.

Why investing for retirement is so important for women (and how to do it)

Why investing for retirement is so important for women (and how to do it)

Retirement planning can be challenging, especially for women who face unique obstacles such as the wage gap, caregiving responsibilities, and a longer life expectancy. It’s essential for women to educate themselves on financial literacy and overcome the investing gap to achieve a comfortable and secure retirement. So, let’s talk about why investing for retirement is important for women and how to start on this journey towards financial freedom.