12 phrases to avoid when talking to your kids, no matter their age

Think of your words as a giant, high-definition mirror for your child. Every time you speak, they aren’t just hearing sounds; they’re getting a status update on who they are and how they should handle this big, chaotic world.

Now, let’s get real, we’ve all been there, the milk is on the floor, the shoes are in the freezer, and your patience is hanging by a single, frayed thread. The American Academy of Pediatrics strongly advises against harsh verbal punishment, including yelling, shaming, and belittling, as it is ineffective and harmful to a child’s development.

Over time, those “harmless” everyday phrases we toss out when we’re stressed can quietly chip away at a kid’s self-esteem until it’s more “broken glass” than “shiny mirror.”

“Stop crying, it’s not a big deal.”

Telling a kid their feelings do not matter actually backfires. Kids need you to name and validate their feelings to learn social skills. Try staying curious about what caused the tears. Validation helps them regulate their emotions much faster.

“You’re so lazy.”

Labeling a child as “lazy” predicts higher levels of depression in their teenage years. Criticism of children often stops them from attempting challenging tasks. According to Nerva, focusing on effort and strategy rather than innate character flaws is a key shift toward a growth mindset. This shift helps build resilience and keeps them moving.

“Because I said so.”

Shutting down dialogue with authority can lower a child’s life satisfaction. Kids cooperate better when they understand the “why” behind a limit. Even a brief explanation supports their growing autonomy. Clear reasons lead to better behavior in the long run.

“Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”

Comparing children fuels a fire of rivalry and shame. Research by the American Psychological Association indicates that siblings receiving favored treatment often experience better mental health, higher self-esteem, and fewer behavioral problems. Celebrate each child’s individual progress instead. Strength-based feedback keeps them engaged and confident.

“How many times do I have to tell you?”

This line usually signals your frustration rather than providing actual guidance. Negative cycles of yelling often lead to more defiance from the child. Try using a calm and specific prompt instead. Collaborative problem-solving reduces tantrums and improves follow-through.

“You’re too sensitive.”

This phrase pushes children to suppress their emotions. Invalidated children, those whose feelings are consistently dismissed, ignored, or belittled, struggle with self-regulation because they never learn to properly identify, label, or manage their emotions, according to Life Counseling Institute.

Some even engage in self-harming behaviors later in life. Use language to name their emotions rather than judge them. Helping them identify the feeling builds emotional literacy.

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“We can’t afford that.”

Using money as a blunt shutdown can transfer your financial anxiety to your child. High financial stress at home can lead to sleep problems and anxiety for little ones. Try using age-appropriate transparency about your budget instead. This teaches financial literacy without causing unnecessary panic.

“I feel so fat.”

Kids absorb what you say about yourself just as much as what you say to them. According to research by the National Institutes of Health, parental weight-focused talk, including dieting, “fat talk,” and comments on their own or their child’s weight, significantly increases body dissatisfaction and risk of disordered eating in teens.

Weight-focused talk at home raises the risk of eating disorders. Focus the conversation on health and strength. Model a positive relationship with your own body.

“Don’t talk to strangers.”

This classic rule is actually a bit confusing for kids. Safety experts recommend teaching kids about “tricky people” or “unsafe situations” instead. Focus on teaching them to trust their gut feelings. This empowers them to seek help in any environment.

“You’re always making mistakes.”

Global judgments like “always” undermine a child’s ability to learn and grow. According to Wooclap, avoiding fixed labels and generally reducing rigid, judgmental, or preconceived categorizations of students leads to higher student engagement.

The kids are praised for their effort and tackle harder tasks. Replace broad criticism with specific and constructive feedback. Tell them exactly what they can improve next time.

“You’ll never be able to do that.”

Dropping the “you’ll never” bomb creates a self-fulfilling prophecy that can haunt a child for decades. Kids internalize every expectation you set, turning your doubts into their inner reality. Map out the specific skills they need to win rather than slamming the door on their potential.

“I don’t care.”

This phrase sends a signal of rejection that can damage your bond. Attachment Project reports dismissive-avoidant attachment often develops when caregivers are emotionally unavailable, distant, or rejecting of a child’s needs.

Children often find the sting of being ignored far more painful than a formal punishment. This silence makes them feel invisible in your world. Active listening shows them that their thoughts have real value.

Key Takeaway

• Validate feelings: Accept and respect their emotions to build a secure bond.
• Be specific: Focus on behaviors and actions rather than attacking their character.
• Stay respectful: Set firm limits while explaining the reasons behind them.
• Avoid labels: Steer clear of “lazy” or “always” to encourage a growth mindset.

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This article was developed with the assistance of AI and was subsequently reviewed, revised, and approved by our editorial team.

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