11 common excuses abusers use that women should recognize
Abusers often offer explanations for bad behavior that sound plausible or even sympathetic.
These are not mere mistakes or misunderstandings. They are patterns of manipulation designed to shift blame, minimize harm, or avoid responsibility. Recognizing these excuses early can help women see beyond the confusion and understand when behavior is abusive.
In this article, you’ll discover 11 frequent excuses abusers use. These are not exaggerated but are documented tactics. Knowing them is a step toward safer boundaries and clearer judgment.
“I Was Just Stressed,” Or “I Had A Bad Day.”
When an abuser blames stress, work pressure, or external hardship for hurting you, it may sound understanding. It suggests the abuse is a temporary lapse, not part of character. However, researchers have found that abusers use stress excuses to avoid accountability.
According to HelpGuide.org, abusive behavior is a choice, not a reaction; stressful circumstances do not justify control or harm. Repeated use of “bad day” excuses can hide a pattern of emotional abuse. Over time, it becomes a way to excuse persistent anger or outbursts.
“I Was Drunk / On Drugs”
Substance use is a common justification for abusive behavior. Abusers may say their intoxication caused them to act badly, that they weren’t entirely in control. However, organizations addressing domestic violence emphasize that being under the influence doesn’t erase choice. The Hotline notes that although substance abuse increases risk, many people drink or use drugs and do not abuse their partners.
Treating intoxication as a free pass for abuse allows abusive behavior to continue unchallenged. Recognizing this excuse means seeing that abusive behavior under such influence is still abuse. It means looking at how often it happens, not just how dramatic it is once or twice.
“I Have Mental Health Issues / A Personality Disorder”
An abuser might say depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or other mental health struggles make them abusive. They might suggest they cannot help certain reactions. But current expert perspectives warn that this excuse tends to let abusers off the hook. DomesticShelters.org says blaming mental health downplays abuse and gives abusers a ready-made justification.
Using mental health this way can further confuse and silence the victim. Appreciating the difference: some people with mental health challenges abuse, and some do not. Mental health should never be used as an excuse to avoid accountability.
“You Provoked Me” / “You Made Me Do It”
Blame-shifting is one of the most potent tools in abuse. The abuser claims you triggered their behavior, that you are responsible for making them act the way they did.
Abusers often use provocations as justification. For instance, Verywell Health explains that abusers may claim, “Look what you made me do,” to deflect accountability and accuse the victim of triggering their abusive response. This tactic creates confusion. You may feel guilt, thinking you should have handled things differently. It also reinforces the idea that your behavior must be perfect to avoid abuse.
“I Was Just Joking / It Wasn’t Serious”
Some abusers will degrade, insult, or humiliate, but then say they were only joking. They claim the victim is taking humor too seriously. However, this “joking” excuse is used to belittle feelings and shut down complaints. What starts small may become a pattern: insults under the guise of humor erode self-esteem.
The “it was a joke” defense often implies you are overly sensitive or that your reaction is wrong. Recognizing this excuse means asking: Do these comments keep happening? Does the partner respect it when you say it hurts?
“I Lost Control / I Could Not Help It”
This excuse suggests the abuser’s behavior was out of their hands, that impulses overtook them. It presents them as helpless. Advocacy groups and research reject this. Abusers are selective about when and to whom they lose control. They often maintain calm around others but unleash abuse at home. This shows that abuse is not uncontrolled. It also shifts responsibility away.
Recognizing this excuse involves seeing consistency: if abuse only shows up in certain contexts, then “loss of control” is a choice, not a spontaneous breakdown.
“I Did It Because I Love You / Because I Care”
Abusers sometimes tie controlling or jealous behavior to love. They say their possessiveness proves their affection. They claim closeness, attention, and even surveillance shows how much they care.
Shadowsofcontrol names phrases like “I love you too much” or “I’m possessive because I care about you” among common excuses. When “love” becomes tied to control, trust or autonomy suffers. Recognizing this excuse means noticing when concern becomes criticism, attention becomes monitoring, or love becomes ownership.
“I’ll Never Do It Again / I’m Sorry”
After an abusive incident, many abusers make apologies and promises to change. These may seem genuine, but often they serve to calm the situation. The cycle of abuse theory, however, describes a phase after abuse when the abuser apologizes, gives excuses, promises change, and then returns to abusive behavior.
Apologies without lasting change are part of the pattern. This excuse keeps hope alive in the victim. Recognizing it means looking for consistency over time rather than believing words alone.
“I Grew Up That Way / My Past Explains It”
Abusers sometimes use their childhood history, trauma, or past abuse as reasons for their behavior now. They may say that because they witnessed or experienced abuse, they are “wired that way” or unable to act differently. No excuse justifies continuing abuse. According to WVCADV (West Virginia Coalition Against Domestic Violence), even if someone grew up with abuse, it does not free them from responsibility now.
Recognizing this excuse involves seeing whether the person has sought help, therapy, or taken steps to change, or whether their past is used repeatedly to excuse ongoing hurt.
“Everybody Does It / Others Are Worse”
An abuser may say their behavior is not so bad compared to what others do. They may say, “You don’t know what real abuse is,” or “others have it worse, so this isn’t bad.” This tactic seeks to normalize abuse and diminish your ability to see it for what it is. When abuse is measured against worse abuse, it becomes easier to dismiss your own pain.
Recognizing this excuse means understanding that abuse isn’t a competition. Your feelings matter even if someone else’s suffering might also be real.
“I’ll Change / I’m Trying”
Similar to “I’ll never do it again,” this excuse points to future promises. The abuser claims to be trying—going to therapy, looking up how not to get angry, etc. Those promises can be real, but often are part of a pattern of cyclical behavior.
Without genuine responsibility, attempts or promises to change are sometimes just a temporary calm before the next incident. Recognizing this excuse means tracking behavior over time: Is this new commitment backed up by different actions?
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