8 outdated social etiquette rules that no longer make sense

Ever found yourself in that awkward dance over a dinner check, wondering if you’re supposed to follow a rule from a black-and-white movie? The world of etiquette is shifting under our feet, and it can feel like a social minefield.

Let’s get one thing straight: the core of good manners—respect and consideration for others—is timeless. As etiquette expert Lisa Grotts puts it, “As society changes, our manners have to change as we adapt to the world around us.” And things are definitely changing. A recent Pew Research Center survey found that nearly half of Americans (47%) think people are ruder now than before the pandemic, which shows we’re all a little on edge about how to act.

The truth is, the fundamental goal of good manners—making others feel comfortable and respected—hasn’t changed, but many of the old-school rules now create more awkwardness than ease. So, let’s ditch the stuffy traditions that no longer serve us. Here are eight etiquette rules that have officially expired.

Insisting that men always pay for the date

Remember when the check arrived, and it was a foregone conclusion that the man would pay? That script is officially being rewritten.

This tradition comes from a time when men were the primary breadwinners, reinforcing a “male as provider” stereotype that just doesn’t fit our world anymore. Today, it can feel less like a kind gesture and more like an outdated power play.

A YouGov survey revealed that while 40% of men still believe they should always pay, only 29% of women agree. The most popular opinion among women (37%) is that the person who initiated the date should be the one to pay.

The modern swap is simple: make it a conversation, not an assumption. The Emily Post Institute, the gold standard of etiquette, now advises that “whoever does the inviting pays for the meal.”

Sending a handwritten thank-you note for everything

Many of us were taught that a gift wasn’t truly acknowledged until a formal, handwritten thank-you note was in the mail. While the sentiment is lovely, the method has become impractical and, for many, performative.

The biggest nail in the coffin for this rule is the decline of physical mail itself. This is especially true for younger generations. Studies show that Gen Z, while considered a very grateful generation, prefers to show their appreciation instantly through digital channels.

The effort of finding a stamp and a mailbox has been replaced by the emotional effort of sending a quick, personal, and heartfelt digital message.

Following a strict, formal dress code

The days of needing a suit and tie to be taken seriously are fading fast. The cultural shift toward casual comfort is undeniable, and it was supercharged by the pandemic.

The data paints a clear picture of a more relaxed America. A 2023 Gallup poll found that a mere 3% of U.S. workers now wear “business professional” attire. Meanwhile, a combined 72% wear either business casual (41%) or casual street clothes (31%) to work. That’s a huge drop from just 2019, when 7% of workers were still suiting up.

Professionalism is now judged more on your work and ideas than on the crispness of your shirt. Being clean, well-fitting, and appropriate for the venue is the new sign of respect.

Keeping your elbows off the table

This is a classic rule that parents have been drilling into their kids for centuries. But it turns out, its origins are more about safety than stuffiness.

The “no elbows” rule dates back to the Middle Ages, when dining tables were often just rickety wooden planks laid across trestles. A misplaced elbow could literally tip the whole thing over, sending your medieval feast flying into everyone’s laps. It was a purely practical rule to prevent a dinner disaster.

Now that our tables are sturdy, the rule has been officially relaxed. Modern etiquette experts like Maralee McKee say that leaning in and resting your elbows on the table is actually a sign of engagement and interest in the conversation. It shows you’re present and listening. So, feel free to lean in when you’re chatting between courses. The only time the old rule really applies is when a plate of food is directly in front of you—and that’s just to avoid an accidental dip of your sleeve into the mashed potatoes.

Calling someone without texting first

In a world of constant pings and notifications, our attention has become a precious resource. And an unannounced phone call feels like a demand for all of it, right now.

For younger generations, an unexpected call can feel like a serious social blunder. Patrice Williams-Lindo, a workplace trends analyst, explains that for Gen Z, a silent pause when answering the phone isn’t rudeness, but “a form of boundary setting” against a call they didn’t consent to. They often associate surprise calls with spam, conflict, or emergencies.

The old way of thinking viewed a text as impersonal, but now an unannounced call is seen as the truly intrusive act, akin to someone “walking through your gate and peering in your window.” Texting before calling is the rule of good phone etiquette these days. A simple message like, “Hey, have a minute to talk?” respects the other person’s time and mental space. It allows them to engage when they are actually free and ready to give you their full attention.

Using formal titles like ‘Mr.’ and ‘Ms.’ in conversation

Unless you’re talking to your child’s teacher or a judge, the days of defaulting to “Mr.” and “Ms.” are largely behind us in the United States.

This shift reflects a broader move toward flatter, less rigid hierarchies in both social and professional life. For younger generations, who value authenticity and directness, excessive formality can feel “unnecessary and even alienating.” It can create a sense of distance rather than respect.

In most situations today, using someone’s first name is the standard way to show you see them as a peer and an equal. While context is always key, the default has flipped from formal to familiar as the primary way we build rapport and show respect.

Never, ever discussing money

“We don’t talk about money.” This was an ironclad rule in many households, intended to maintain politeness and privacy. But in today’s economic climate, that silence is no longer golden—it’s a disadvantage.

Gen Z is shattering this taboo out of sheer necessity. A Bank of America study found that 53% of Gen Z don’t feel they make enough to live the life they want, and 55% lack enough savings to cover three months of expenses. Faced with this reality, they’ve turned to financial transparency as a tool for survival and empowerment.

They openly discuss salaries to fight for equal pay, share student loan balances to crowdsource repayment strategies, and talk about the cost of living to make informed decisions. This isn’t seen as rude; it’s seen as smart. The modern approach isn’t about bragging; it’s about collaboration. Sharing financial information with peers is now a way to build collective knowledge and navigate a tough economy together.

The ‘ladies first’ rule of chivalry

Holding a door open or offering a seat are kind gestures. But tying them to gender? That’s where things get outdated.

Rules like “ladies first” are rooted in the medieval code of chivalry, which was originally more about establishing rules of engagement for violent knights than about romance. These gender-based scripts can feel condescending today, implying that women are inherently in need of protection or assistance.

Modern etiquette has evolved to be more inclusive and logical. As Maralee McKee advises, the first person to the door—man or woman—should simply hold it open for the next person coming through. It’s about being aware of your surroundings, not about performing a gender role.

The modern swap is to replace gendered chivalry with situational kindness. Courtesy is a human trait, not a male one.

Key Takeaway

Letting go of these old rules isn’t a sign that society is becoming ruder. It’s a sign that we’re becoming more thoughtful. We’re moving away from performing politeness based on rigid, outdated scripts and toward practicing genuine consideration tailored to the situation at hand.

The legendary etiquette expert Emily Post said it best: “Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.” In a world that feels more complicated than ever, the focus on empathy is the only rule that truly matters.

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