10 Red Flags That Show Someone Isn’t a Good Person

Have you ever left a conversation with someone feeling confused, drained, or just plain bad, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on why?

You’re not imagining it. While everyone has flaws and bad days, some behaviors aren’t just quirks; they’re consistent patterns that signal a deeper problem. And these patterns are shockingly common. According to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS), almost half of all women (48.4%) and men (48.8%) in the U.S. have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

This isn’t just about romantic relationships, either. These red flags can appear in friendships, family dynamics, and even at the workplace. The recent surge in interest in terms like “gaslighting”—Merriam-Webster’s 2022 Word of the Year—and “love bombing” demonstrates that people are increasingly seeking a vocabulary to describe these complex and distressing experiences.

They have a concerning lack of empathy

Let’s start with the big one: a total lack of empathy. Empathy is the ability to step into someone else’s shoes and genuinely understand their feelings. It’s the foundation of all healthy connections.

When it’s missing, communication breaks down, conflicts escalate, and you’re left feeling utterly alone in the relationship. One study found that the average emotional empathy score for incompatible couples was a dismal 37.59, whereas compatible couples scored a significantly higher 117.65. That’s not a small difference; it’s a chasm.

This isn’t just an abstract concept. It looks like them telling you to “stop overreacting” when you’re upset, ignoring your distress because it’s inconvenient, or even shaming you for being vulnerable.

Ultimately, a lack of empathy is the root system from which many other toxic behaviors grow. It’s impossible to feel remorse for hurting someone when you’re incapable of understanding their pain in the first place.

They constantly shift blame and never take responsibility

You bring up an issue, and somehow, by the end of the conversation, it’s all your fault. Sound familiar? That’s blame-shifting, a classic manipulation tactic designed to let them off the hook. This isn’t just annoying; it’s incredibly damaging.

Studies show that blame is significantly linked to less constructive communication and lower relationship satisfaction. It’s a power play, plain and simple. By forcing you onto the defensive, they control the narrative and create a dynamic where they are always right and you are always wrong.

A good person, in contrast, takes ownership. As author Steve Maraboli says, “Wisdom stems from personal accountability. We all make mistakes; own them… learn from them. Don’t throw away the lesson by blaming others.”

Their anger is explosive and disproportionate

If you feel like you’re constantly “walking on eggshells” to avoid setting someone off, that’s a huge red flag. This isn’t about normal frustration; this is about anger that is terrifyingly disproportionate to the situation.

And it’s more common than we think. A survey by the Mental Health Foundation found that almost a third of people (32%) say they have a close friend or family member who has trouble controlling their anger.

This behavior is a serious warning sign. The real weapon here isn’t just the outburst itself—it’s the unpredictability. When you never know what will trigger a rage-filled reaction, your brain stays in a constant state of high alert. This chronic stress can have devastating long-term effects on your mental and physical health, leading to anxiety, depression, and even heart problems.

They are subtly (or overtly) controlling

Controlling behavior isn’t always as obvious as someone forbidding you from going out. It often starts small: questioning what you wear, checking your phone, or making you feel guilty for having your own hobbies.

At its core, this behavior stems from a deep-seated sense of entitlement. The National Domestic Violence Hotline puts it perfectly: “Abusive people believe they have the right to control and restrict their partner’s lives… because they believe their own feelings and needs should be the priority.”

Pay close attention to this one, because control is often a precursor to more severe abuse. Often, control is disguised as caring. They’ll say, “I’m just worried about you” or “I’m telling you this for your own good” to justify their actions. This is what makes it so confusing.

They try to isolate you from your support system

One of the most dangerous and strategic red flags is when someone tries to cut you off from your friends and family. This isn’t about them wanting more quality time with you; it’s about eliminating anyone who might challenge their control or offer you a different perspective.

It’s a common tactic used by abusers to create dependency. They might complain that your friends “don’t like them,” make you feel guilty for making plans, or create drama every time you talk to your family.

Domestic violence expert Evan Stark explains that through tactics like isolation, “the victim becomes captive in an unreal world created by the abuser, entrapped in a world of confusion, contradiction and fear”.

This is a pre-emptive strike against accountability. By removing outside voices, the abuser ensures their narrative is the only one you hear. It creates a closed feedback loop where their version of reality is the only one that exists, making you far more vulnerable to their influence.

They consistently disrespect your boundaries

Boundaries are the invisible lines we draw to protect our well-being—they define what we are and are not okay with. Good people respect them. Toxic people bulldoze right through them.

Many of us struggle to set boundaries. In fact, one survey found that 60% of people struggle to set and maintain personal boundaries in their relationships, which makes them vulnerable to those who intentionally violate them.

So, what does a violation look like? According to therapist Quinelle Hickman, “A main sign that someone doesn’t respect your boundaries is if they don’t stop their actions after you’ve expressed discomfort.” This could range from ignoring a simple “no” to mocking your requests, pressuring you, or going through your personal belongings.

This isn’t just a one-time mistake; it’s a form of training. Each time a boundary is crossed without consequence, the perpetrator is conditioning you to accept a lower level of respect. It’s a gradual erosion of your autonomy, designed to make future, more serious violations seem less shocking.

They gaslight you into doubting your own reality

Gaslighting is a sinister form of manipulation where someone makes you question your own memories, perception, and even your sanity. The term’s cultural relevance is soaring, with Merriam-Webster naming it the 2022 Word of the Year.

It’s also terrifyingly prevalent. The National Domestic Violence Hotline reported that around 74% of adult female survivors of intimate partner violence experience it. You’ll hear phrases like: “You’re being too sensitive,” “That never happened,” or the classic “You’re crazy.”

The ultimate goal of gaslighting is to destroy your intuition. Your gut feeling is your primary defense against harm. By convincing you that your own mind is an unreliable narrator, the gaslighter makes you completely dependent on their version of events. It’s an attack on your internal alarm system, disabling your ability to recognize all the other red flags.

They are irresponsible and emotionally immature

Chronic irresponsibility—with money, jobs, promises, you name it—is often a sign of deep-seated emotional immaturity. Mature adults take responsibility for their lives; emotionally immature people make excuses and expect others to clean up their messes.

This dynamic is exhausting and toxic. It forces you into a parental role, which kills any chance of a real partnership. Research has shown a direct link between a couple’s emotional maturity and their overall relationship satisfaction.

Signs of an emotionally immature person include an inability to manage their emotions, a refusal to compromise, holding onto petty grudges, and a constant, draining need for validation. Being in a relationship with someone like this can make you feel incredibly lonely, because a deep, mutual connection is impossible.

They show excessive jealousy

Let’s be real: a tiny flicker of jealousy can happen to anyone. But there’s a world of difference between that and the obsessive, paranoid jealousy that’s a glaring red flag.

This isn’t a sign of passionate love; it’s a tool for control. It’s often used to justify controlling and isolating behaviors. They might constantly check your phone, get angry when you talk to other people, or demand to know your whereabouts at all times.

A study by Puente and Cohen (2020) found that intense, irrational jealousy is a strong predictor of emotional abuse. At its root, pathological jealousy treats a partner like a possession to be guarded, not a person to be trusted.

They “love bomb” you at the beginning

This is one of the most deceptive red flags because it initially feels amazing. Love bombing is an intense, over-the-top display of affection and attention that often occurs at the beginning of a relationship. It’s not genuine; it’s a manipulation tactic designed to get you hooked. Think saying “I love you” in the first week, constant texts and calls, and lavish gifts that make you feel indebted. If it feels too good to be true, it probably is.

A 2022 Shane Co. survey found that a whopping 70% of people report having been love-bombed at least once, with that figure rising to 78% for dating app users.

This tactic is the first stage in a predictable cycle of abuse: intense idealization (the love bombing), followed by devaluation (criticism and cruelty), and finally, discard. It’s a form of psychological grooming that creates an addictive “high,” making you more likely to tolerate the bad behavior that follows in a desperate attempt to get back to that initial “perfect” phase.

Key Takeaway

Recognizing these red flags isn’t about looking for perfection in others. It’s about understanding that these behaviors are rarely isolated incidents. One flag might be a mistake; a cluster of them is a clear warning sign.

Ultimately, the most important data point is your own intuition. If a relationship consistently leaves you feeling drained, anxious, confused, or questioning yourself, that is reason enough to re-evaluate. Trusting that feeling isn’t being “too sensitive”—it’s being smart, self-aware, and fiercely protective of your own well-being.

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