12 habits a woman should leave behind once she’s married

Marriage isn’t just about sharing a home; it’s about unlearning a few habits that no longer serve the “we” over the “me.” You can’t bring your single-life autopilot into a lifelong partnership and expect it to run smoothly.

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, who’s studied couples for over 40 years, found that certain toxic behaviors quietly predict divorce long before anyone slams a door. The good news? Most of them are totally fixable.

So before you say, “That’s just how I am,” take a look at these 12 habits every woman should leave behind once she’s married, because letting go of the small stuff might just save the big love.

Criticism and contempt

You can raise a concern without attacking character, and that difference matters more than you think. Gottman’s research famously flags contempt, eye-rolling, mockery, “you always/you never” as the clearest predictor of divorce.

Couples who stew in contempt read even neutral moments negatively, which snowballs into chronic disconnection. Try the “gentle start-up”: describe what happened, how you feel, and what you need next.

You’ll be amazed at how quickly warmth returns when you swap blame for clarity and appreciation.

The demand–withdrawal spiral

If you push to talk and your partner shuts down, or vice versa, you’re in a pattern linked to lower satisfaction and tougher conflicts. The fix is teamwork: agree on short, timed talks with breaks so neither of you feels trapped or ignored.

Use “I” statements and summarize back what you heard—feeling understood calms everyone’s nervous system. Ask yourself, “Am I trying to win, or to understand?”

Expecting mind-reading

You know that “If he loved me, he’d just know” script? Unspoken expectations fuel disappointment and harsh attributions (“you don’t care”). You stay quiet, your partner guesses wrong, and resentment grows on both sides.

Trade telepathy for transparency: say what you want in simple, specific language and check for understanding. It’s not unromantic—it’s generous, and it works.

Keeping score

“Who did more today?” feels fair in the moment but poisons goodwill over time. Love doesn’t thrive on ledgers,” said Haeyoung Gideon Park, a PhD candidate at the University of Toronto and lead author of the new study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

When you’re tempted to tally, switch to “visible appreciation”: name two things your partner did that helped the team. Generosity creates more generosity. Give it a week, and watch the tone change.

Prioritizing everyone else first

Kids, parents, friends, work, if your spouse never makes your Top 3, the relationship starts running on fumes. Integrative Psych links feeling prioritized with higher security, better co-parenting, and lower stress.

Protect a weekly connection ritual: a walk, a coffee date, or 20 minutes on the couch, phones down. When the couple is strong, the whole family gets sturdier.

Negative sentiment override

When you’re stuck in a negative lens, even a simple “Hey, want tea?” can sound like a jab. That bias twists neutral or even kind moments into proof that something’s wrong, and it drains warmth fast.

To reset, try a “glad list” in your notes app and say one thing you appreciate out loud each day. The goal isn’t fake cheer—it’s balance, so goodwill has room to breathe again.

Trying to control your partner

Control often starts as “caring,” but Ebsco links controlling behaviors with higher dysfunction and escalation. Micromanaging, testing, or policing erodes trust and autonomy.

Instead, agree on shared goals and boundaries, then allow different paths to get there. Practice the mantra, “Different isn’t wrong.” Curiosity beats control every time.

Passive-aggressive communication

Sarcasm, strategic silence, and “I’m fine” (when you’re clearly not) create confusion and distance. According to WebMD,  passive aggression leads to emotional exhaustion and depressive symptoms for both partners.

Swap the hinting for assertiveness: name the feeling, the story you’re telling yourself, and the request. For example, “I feel dismissed when the plan changes; can we decide together next time?” It’s vulnerable, yes, but it’s how you actually get what you need.

Neglecting your own well-being

Your mood, sleep, and stress don’t exist in a vacuum; partners often sync emotionally more than most realize. Treat well-being like a shared asset: two weekly workouts, a bedtime you protect, a standing friend check-in.

Could you tell your partner what helps you reset and ask about theirs? A resource you will love better.

Comparing your relationship to others

The “perfect couple” on Instagram isn’t a data set; it’s a highlight reel. Social comparison results in dissatisfaction and even breakups over time. Instead of ranking, run your own race: track your key metrics—warmth, repair speed, teamwork, fun.

Ask, “What did we handle well this month, and what can we do better?” Progress beats perfection, always.

Avoiding conflict or stuffing emotions

Peace-at-any-price isn’t peace, it’s backlog. Hostile-avoidant patterns slow physical healing and spike stress markers.

Couples who demonstrate consistently higher levels of hostile behaviors healed at only 60% of the rate of low-hostile couples, as highlighted by PubMed Central. Aim for clean conflict: earlier, softer, shorter.

Pick one topic, set a 20-minute cap, and end with an action step you can both try this week. Discomfort now saves distance later.

Extreme financial independence

Conflicts about money and finances can be destructive for many relationships. It’s not about who earns more or manages the bills; it’s about shared transparency and mutual respect around money.

In other words, when both partners have a voice in how money is spent and saved, finances stop being a battlefield and start becoming a bonding point.

Conclusion

You don’t need a brand-new personality to upgrade your marriage—just a few better defaults. Speak plainly, assume goodwill, repair quickly, and choose teamwork over tallying.

Prioritize each other like you mean it, and let autonomy and affection live side by side. Most couples can stay stable and satisfied with these fundamentals. Why not make yours one of them starting this week?

Disclosure line: This article was developed with the assistance of AI and was subsequently reviewed, revised, and approved by our editorial team.

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