Opinion: Nice men are not valued by women

In her book We Are Not Born Submissive, philosopher Manon Garcia argues that women aren’t naturally submissive; they are socialized into it because patriarchy submits to the path of least resistance.

But if women are conditioned to navigate a world of dominant men, where does that leave the ‘nice guy’?

If the social blueprint Garcia describes rewards women for ‘going with the flow’ of traditional power dynamics, it explains why the gentle, egalitarian man, the one who refuses to dominate, often finds himself undervalued by the very women he seeks to respect.

Nice Men Often Struggle With Discipline and Follow-Through

In Robert Glover’s book, the “Nice Guy” is characterized by a lack of discipline and poor follow-through, which manifests as passive-aggressive behavior. Richard Carrier’s review highlights that Glover attributes this type of man to expressing resentment in “indirect, roundabout… ways,” such as “being unavailable, forgetting, being late, not following through, and repeating the same annoying behaviors even when they have promised to never do them again.”

Carrier, however, notes that Glover’s inclusion of common sexual dysfunctions alongside these deliberate behavioral issues is a red flag, suggesting a lack of scientific rigor.

Emotional Safety Comes from Consistency, Not Pleasing Behavior

Pleasing behavior feels good in the short term, but emotional safety is built through predictability. Partners and children trust what they can anticipate. When someone constantly adapts their mood, opinions, or actions to maintain approval, it creates an undercurrent of uncertainty.

Children sense unpredictability and may become anxious or manipulative to test boundaries, while partners may feel unmoored or unable to rely on decisions being honored.

Conflict-Averse Spouses Shift Emotional Labor Onto Their Partners

Sociologist Arlie Hochschild coined the term “emotional labor” in 1983 in her book, The Managed Heart, to describe the requirement for service workers (like flight attendants) to manage or suppress their own feelings to create a desired emotional state in customers (being “nicer than natural”).

When a spouse, overwhelmed by emotional flooding, resorts to stonewalling (withdrawal) during a conflict, they are essentially refusing to perform their share of this necessary private emotion work:

• Refusal to Labor: The act of avoidance is a conscious or subconscious effort to stop the personal emotional management required to stay engaged, problem-solve, and maintain emotional control.
• The Shift: By withdrawing, the conflict-averse spouse transfers the entire responsibility for managing the emotional equilibrium and resolving the issue onto their partner.

A Partner Who Seeks Approval Can’t Lead in Crisis

In adult relationships, this often manifests as deferring to a partner, avoiding unpopular stances, or outsourcing judgment to a partner. In crises, families need someone who can act without consensus, make imperfect decisions, and absorb blame if necessary. Approval-seeking undermines leadership precisely when leadership is required.

Good Intentions Don’t Substitute for Moral Courage

As stated by The Ethics Centre, “Moral courage is the ability to stand by our values and principles even when it’s uncomfortable or risky.” The “nice guy” often intends to be good but lacks the courage to endure discomfort. This failure is evident in marriage when, rather than engaging in painful conflict, a spouse withdraws, choosing short-term comfort over the long-term work of resolution.

It also manifests in parenting, leading to the avoidance of necessary discipline to avoid a child’s anger. In all these high-stakes family moments, the individual driven by good intentions and not moral courage will prioritize personal ease, allowing their principles to collapse under pressure and rendering them unreliable.

Kindness Without Assertiveness Breeds Resentment Over Time

Unexpressed needs do not disappear. They accumulate. A nice spouse who suppresses frustration to maintain peace often pays for it later through withdrawal, passive aggression, or emotional shutdown.

Assertiveness is not aggression; it is clarity. Without it, kindness becomes self-erasure, and self-erasure eventually corrodes intimacy.

Children Need Boundaries, Not Just Gentleness

A “nice guy” fails as a parent by confusing gentleness with permissiveness, neglecting the necessity of boundaries. A good parent requires the moral courage to establish and consistently enforce these limits.

The “nice guy,” however, often succumbs to the discomfort of enforcement, choosing short-term peace over necessary confrontation. Parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith emphasizes that boundaries are the cornerstone of healthy parenting, providing children with security by clarifying expectations.

Niceness Avoids Conflict, but Parenting Requires Confrontation

Niceness is often expressed through harmony-seeking behavior: smoothing tensions, deferring disagreement, and keeping everyone comfortable. Parenting, however, routinely demands confrontation. Children test limits, violate rules, and resist structure. A parent who prioritizes being liked may hesitate to enforce consequences, creating confusion rather than safety.

Good parenting requires tolerating a child’s temporary displeasure in the service of long-term development. Conflict avoidance delays that work. Over time, children learn not where boundaries are, but how negotiable they might be.

Agreeableness Doesn’t Equal Reliability Under Pressure

In A Theory of Yes Men, Canice Prendergast shows that when evaluation is subjective, people are rewarded for agreeing rather than for being right. Walter Block’s critique sharpens the implication: agreeableness in such environments is not a marker of reliability, but a rational response to distorted incentives.

When pressure rises, and objective standards disappear, conformity becomes survival, not character. Niceness alone signals little about how someone behaves when honesty is costly. What matters is reliability under pressure, not harmony when agreement is cheap.

Long-Term Family Stability Requires Backbone

Warmth builds connection, but backbone sustains systems. Families are systems that require rules, enforcement, adaptation, and repair. The most effective spouses and parents integrate kindness with firmness. They can comfort without caving, lead without dominating, and love without disappearing.

Disclosure line: This article was developed with the assistance of AI and was subsequently reviewed, revised, and approved by our editorial team.

The 15 Things Women Only Do With the Men They Love

The 15 Things Women Only Do With the Men They Love

Love is a complex, beautiful emotion that inspires profound behaviors. We express our love in various ways, some universal, while others are unique to each individual. Among these expressions, there are specific actions women often reserve for the men they deeply love.

This piece explores 15 unique gestures women make when they’re in love. From tiny, almost invisible actions to grand declarations, each tells a story of deep affection and unwavering commitment. Read on to discover these 15 things women only do with the men they love.