The modern dating dilemma: Where are all the ‘good’ men?

If you’ve ever found yourself staring at your phone, scrolling through a sea of questionable profiles, and wondering, ‘Where have all the good men gone?’—you’re not the only one.

It’s a question whispered between friends over brunch, typed into search bars late at night, and felt deeply by millions of women navigating the choppy waters of modern love. But what if I told you this feeling isn’t just in your head?

The perceived shortage of ‘good’ men isn’t a myth; it’s the predictable result of a perfect storm of skewed demographics, a broken digital dating system, and sky-high expectations we’re placing on love. This isn’t about blaming men or telling women to lower their standards. It’s about looking at the hard data and understanding the massive societal shifts that have completely rewritten the rules of the game.

Let’s break down what’s really going on.

It’s not your imagination: The numbers are actually skewed

The most straightforward reason it feels like the dating pool is shrinking is because, for many women, it literally is. This isn’t about a shortage of men in general, but a specific imbalance in what sociologists call the “marriage market,” and it starts with education.

For decades, women have been enrolling in and graduating from college at higher rates than men, and that gap is now a canyon. Today, among adults aged 25 to 34, a staggering 47% of women hold a bachelor’s degree, compared to just 37% of men.

Source: Pew Research Center

This 10-point gap might not seem dramatic at first, but it has a massive ripple effect on dating. Why? People overwhelmingly prefer to partner with someone of a similar educational background. In fact, marrying across educational lines is at its lowest rate in 50 years.

This creates what author Jon Birger, in his book Date-onomics, calls “a musical chairs of the heart.” For every four college-educated women entering the dating scene, there are often only three college-educated men. Simple math tells us someone is going to be left standing.

This demographic imbalance subtly shifts the power dynamic. When college-educated men are in shorter supply, they have more options. This can lead to a decreased urgency to commit, a greater tendency toward casual “situationships,” and a feeling that a “better” option might always be around the corner. So, when you feel like the options are limited, the numbers are actually on your side.

Dating apps promised more options, but delivered more problems

Dating apps were supposed to solve the numbers problem by giving us access to thousands of potential partners. Instead, they’ve created a whole new set of issues that often make things worse.

First, the digital world is even more skewed than the real one. On Tinder, the most-used app for people under 30, a jaw-dropping 75% of users are male. This creates a bizarre and frustrating dynamic for everyone involved.

A Pew Research study perfectly captured this split experience: 54% of women reported feeling overwhelmed by the sheer volume of messages they receive, while 64% of men said they felt insecure about the lack of messages they get. Women are drowning in low-effort “heys,” and men are shouting into a void.

It’s no wonder that “dating burnout” has become the new normal.

We’re all suffering from ‘choice paralysis’

You’d think having a city’s worth of singles in your pocket would make finding someone easier. But psychologically, it’s the opposite. We’re all victims of what psychologist Barry Schwartz calls the “Paradox of Choice”: the more options we have, the more anxiety, indecision, and dissatisfaction we feel.

In dating, this translates to an overwhelming pressure to make the “perfect” choice. With a seemingly infinite scroll of potential partners, the fear of missing out (FOMO) becomes paralyzing. What if the next person is a little taller, a little funnier, a little more successful?

Researchers Tila Pronk and Jaap Denissen discovered a phenomenon they call a “rejection mind-set.” Their 2020 study found that as people swipe through profiles, they become more critical and pessimistic. On average, the likelihood of accepting a match declines by 27% from the first profile a person sees to the last. The more you look, the less you like.

This constant feeling that a better option might be just one swipe away makes it incredibly difficult to commit. Why invest in getting to know someone deeply when a seemingly “perfect” person could be next in the queue?

You might like: AI FOMO Is Real: 11 Signs You’re Falling Behind on AI Trends—And What to Do About It

The goalposts have moved: What women want has changed

The very definition of a “good man” has undergone a fundamental shift over the past few decades, largely driven by the remarkable social and economic progress of women.

Think back to what our parents or grandparents valued. Studies from the 1980s and 1990s show that women consistently prioritized a man’s earning potential and financial prospects above most other traits. He was, first and foremost, a provider.

Today, that’s completely flipped. While financial stability is still appreciated, it’s no longer the main event. A 2025 Match survey found that singles ranked “kindness and empathy” (48%) and “shared values” (35%) as more important than “physical attraction” (39%). Modern women are looking for a partner, not just a provider.

This massive shift is a direct result of women’s economic independence. As women have become more educated and financially self-sufficient, they are free to choose partners based on connection, not necessity.

The ‘all-or-nothing’ relationship is putting pressure on everyone

It’s not just that our checklists have changed; the entire purpose of a long-term relationship has been redefined, raising the stakes for everyone. Psychologist Eli Finkel calls this the “all-or-nothing marriage.” He argues that marriage has evolved from a practical institution focused on survival and stability to a personal one focused on self-actualization and growth.

We no longer just want a partner; we want a soulmate who is also our best friend, therapist, career advisor, and co-adventurer. As Finkel says, “Today, we expect our spouse not only to make us feel loved but also to be a kind of life coach.”

This “all-or-nothing” ideal has a huge impact on dating. It means every potential partner is being auditioned for an impossibly demanding role. The pressure is immense. When a relationship is merely “good” or “stable” but not constantly transformative, it can feel like a failure or a sign that you’re “settling.”

The search for a “good man” has evolved into a quest for a “perfect man” who can fulfill an unattainable set of roles. This has inflated the job description for “partner” to a level that few real people can meet, making it easier than ever to dismiss someone who might actually be a wonderful, albeit imperfect, match.

So, what’s going on with men?

Finally, to truly understand the dilemma, we have to look at the other side of the equation. The challenges women face in dating are deeply connected to the struggles men are facing with their own identity, purpose, and social connections.

There is a well-documented “male loneliness epidemic.” A 2023 study found that two-thirds of young men feel that “no one really knows” them. Gender expert Richard Reeves points to a “male friendship recession,” noting that 1 in 7 young men report having no close friends at all. This is critical because in heterosexual relationships, women often become the social center. Without a partner, many men are left profoundly isolated.

These struggles aren’t just social. As we’ve seen, men are falling behind in education. Sociologists at the University of Virginia observe that many young men are “floundering,” feeling anxious and uncertain about their futures, particularly those without a college degree.

In the dating world, men feel their own unique pressures. They face a hyper-competitive environment on apps where they are the vast majority, and they often feel caught between traditional expectations (like planning and paying for dates) and new demands for emotional vulnerability they were never taught.

This isn’t an excuse, but it is an important piece of the puzzle. The question “Where are all the ‘good’ men?” isn’t just a dating problem; it’s a societal one. It reflects a growing gap between what empowered, successful women are looking for and what a significant number of men are currently equipped to offer—not out of malice, but because they are navigating a world where the old rulebook for masculinity no longer applies.

The 15 Things Women Only Do With the Men They Love

The 15 Things Women Only Do With the Men They Love

Love is a complex, beautiful emotion that inspires profound behaviors. We express our love in various ways, some universal, while others are unique to each individual. Among these expressions, there are specific actions women often reserve for the men they deeply love.

This piece explores 15 unique gestures women make when they’re in love. From tiny, almost invisible actions to grand declarations, each tells a story of deep affection and unwavering commitment. Read on to discover these 15 things women only do with the men they love.