15 Signs Someone Isn’t a Good Person and Is Just Pretending
Small moments reveal more about a person than any performance ever could.
You’ve probably met them. They’re charming, witty, and seem to be the life of the party, always ready with a compliment. But something just feels… off. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but the polish seems a little too perfect, the smile a bit too practiced. Trusting your gut is crucial when you feel like you’re dealing with a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
It’s draining to be around someone who is putting on an act 24/7, and it’s worse when you realize their intentions aren’t pure. Recognizing the red flags isn’t about being cynical; it’s about protecting your peace. If someone consistently shows you who they are through these subtle signs, it’s probably time to believe them. It’s important to differentiate between a person having a bad day and a pattern of toxic behavior.
They Love-Bomb You at the Start
When you first meet them, they seem too good to be true. They shower you with praise, gifts, and intense attention. This “love bombing” isn’t genuine affection; it’s a tactic to get you hooked. They create a whirlwind romance or friendship that feels amazing, making you dependent on their validation.
But as soon as they feel they “have” you, the mask slips. The affection is withdrawn and often replaced with criticism and control. This hot-and-cold behavior is designed to keep you off-balance and desperate for the “good” person to return. It’s a classic setup for a manipulative relationship.
They Are Only Kind When Others Are Watching
This is the classic “waiter test.” How do they treat people they believe are “beneath” them, like service staff, janitors, or delivery drivers? If they are sweet as pie to you but dismissive or cruel to the person clearing their plate, that’s a massive red flag. True character is revealed in how a person treats those who can do nothing for them. This behavior indicates that they view kindness as a tool, rather than a default setting.
In fact, the Food Institute reports that 60% of food service workers regularly feel disrespected by customers. Pay attention if their charm seems to flip on and off like a light switch, depending on the audience. This selective kindness is pure performance, designed to win status, not to express genuine decency. They are essentially acting a part, and you just happen to be in the audience.
They Are Obsessed with Gossip
Everyone enjoys a bit of “inside info” now and then, but for this person, gossip is their primary mode of communication. They seem to thrive on the misfortunes or missteps of others, using shared secrets to bond with you. But remember, if they are gossiping to you, they are almost certainly gossiping about you. This habit often stems from insecurity; pulling others down makes them feel taller.
Some researchers estimate that gossip, although often negative, accounts for as much as 65% of adult conversation. The key difference is the intent. For the pretender, gossip isn’t just chatter; it’s a weapon used to isolate others and control social narratives. They use “private” information as leverage and seem to genuinely enjoy stirring the pot.
Their Help Always Comes with Strings Attached
A pretender’s generosity is never free; it’s always a transaction. They’ll gladly help you move or offer a shoulder to cry on, but they keep a mental scoreboard. You will be reminded of this favor later, usually when they want something much bigger from you. This isn’t kindness; it’s an investment they expect to reap a return on.
Genuine people give without expecting a return, simply because it’s the right thing to do. The pretender, however, operates on a “quid pro quo” basis for everything. Their favors often feel more like a down payment on a future obligation. It’s an exhausting cycle of perceived debt that they will never let you forget.
They Cannot Give a Sincere Apology
We all mess up. The difference is what happens next. A person who is just pretending to be good will never offer a real, heartfelt apology. Instead, you’ll get a non-apology like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I’m sorry, but…” This tactic shifts the blame from their action to your reaction.
They are masters of deflection and will twist the situation until you feel like you’re the one who should be apologizing. A YouGov poll found 24% of Americans admit to apologizing for something that wasn’t their fault just to end a fight. Pretenders rely on this, knowing they can wear you down until you drop the issue.
They Subtly Undermine Your Success
When you share good news: a promotion, a new relationship, a personal win, watch their reaction closely. A pretender will struggle to show genuine happiness for you. They might offer a weak “congrats” before immediately changing the subject to their own achievements. Or worse, they’ll offer a backhanded compliment like, “Wow, I’m surprised they picked you!”
This behavior is rooted in deep envy and a scarcity mindset, where your success is somehow perceived as diminishing theirs. They cannot celebrate you because, in their eyes, you are stealing their spotlight. A true friend or good person will be your biggest cheerleader, but a pretender will be waiting in the wings to poke holes in your happiness.
They Use “Brutal Honesty” as a Weapon
Watch out for the person who prefaces an insult with “I’m just being honest” or “I’m just telling it like it is.” This is often a smoke screen for plain old cruelty, disguised as a virtue. They take pleasure in pointing out your flaws or insecurities under the guise of “helping” you. There is a huge difference between constructive feedback and a personal attack.
They enjoy the jolt of power they get from making you feel small and then claim moral superiority for their “honesty.” A truly good person knows that kindness and honesty can coexist, and they should. They will deliver difficult news with empathy, not with a smirk.
They Lack Whole-Person Empathy
They might show cognitive empathy—that is, they can understand you’re upset. But they lack affective empathy, meaning they don’t feel your distress. When you are hurting, they may seem impatient, bored, or quick to offer solutions rather than listen. Your pain is an inconvenience to them, and they just want you to get over it.
This trait has been studied, with a well-known University of Michigan report noting about a 40% drop in empathic concern among college students between 1979 and 2009. This empathy deficit means they see people as objects or pawns rather than as human beings with valid feelings. They cannot connect with you on a genuine emotional level.
They Are the Eternal Victim
Nothing is ever their fault. Ever. They have a long history of “crazy” exes, “toxic” bosses, and “fake” friends who have all “wronged” them. If you listen long enough, you’ll notice the only common denominator in all their failed relationships is them. This victim mentality is a way to avoid all accountability.
By constantly painting themselves as the one who were wronged, they manipulate you into giving them sympathy and support. It’s a powerful tool to deflect any criticism and get you on their side. But soon enough, you’ll be the next person on their list of people who “betrayed” them.
They Are Masters of Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the person makes you question your own memory, perception, or sanity. They will deny saying things you both know they said or insist an event happened differently. You’ll leave conversations feeling confused, anxious, and like you’re the one who is crazy.
This is a deliberate tactic to gain power and control. A pretender uses this to break down your defenses until you rely on their version of reality. It’s insidious, damaging, and a clear sign of a harmful personality.
Their Humor Is Always at Someone’s Expense
Pay attention to what they find funny. Is their humor based on wit and clever observations, or is it based on mocking others? If their “jokes” consistently target someone’s appearance, intelligence, or status, they are using humor to establish dominance. They mock those in a weaker position, making fun of them.
If you tell them they’ve crossed a line, they’ll hit you with the classic, “I was just kidding! Why are you so sensitive?” This move allows them to be cruel and then blame you for reacting to their cruelty. It’s a way to test your boundaries and see what they can get away with.
They Consistently Disrespect Your Boundaries
You say you’re not available to talk, and they call you anyway. You say you’re not comfortable discussing a particular topic, and they push it. A person who is pretending to be good sees your boundaries not as a line, but as a challenge. They are constantly “testing the fences” to see how much you’ll tolerate.
A YouGov survey found that 42% of Americans struggle with setting boundaries, and manipulators often exploit this weakness. Your “no” is just the starting point for their negotiation. This lack of respect is a clear indication that they prioritize their own desires over your comfort and consent.
They Enjoy Other People’s Failures
This is the ugly feeling of Schadenfreude, or taking pleasure in the misfortune of others. When a colleague gets passed over for a promotion or a “friend” goes through a breakup, you’ll notice a little smirk on their face. They may even disguise it as “concern,” but you can sense their quiet satisfaction.
A good person feels compassion when others are struggling, even if they don’t particularly like the person in need. The pretender, however, sees life as a zero-sum game, and someone else’s loss feels like a win to them. This lack of basic compassion is a warning sign that their “goodness” is only skin deep.
They Use Flattery Like a Currency
Compliments from a genuine person feel warm and specific. Flattery from a pretender feels excessive and a little… off. They will praise you for things that are superficial, or they’ll lay it on so thick it feels insincere. This is often a tool to butter you up before they ask for something.
They’ve learned that flattery is the quickest way to lower someone’s defenses and gain their favor. It’s a form of manipulation designed to make you feel good, so you’ll be more pliable. They don’t mean a word of it; they just know it’s what you want to hear.
Your Gut Is Screaming at You
Sometimes, there isn’t one giant red flag; it’s a collection of a dozen tiny paper cuts. You feel emotionally drained, anxious, or “on edge” after being around them. You feel like you have to be “on” all the time, carefully managing their moods and reactions.
This intuitive feeling is your subconscious picking up on all the tiny inconsistencies between their words and their actions. Trust that feeling. Your body often knows someone is bad for you long before your brain is ready to accept it.
15 Things Women Only Do With the Men They Love
The 15 Things Women Only Do With the Men They Love
Love is a complex, beautiful emotion that inspires profound behaviors. We express our love in various ways, some universal, while others are unique to each individual. Among these expressions, there are specific actions women often reserve for the men they deeply love.
This piece explores 15 unique gestures women make when they’re in love. From tiny, almost invisible actions to grand declarations, each tells a story of deep affection and unwavering commitment.
